non pc joke
Published 1 year, 3 months ago in My life.I apologise in advance if this offends anyone. I don’t think its sexist, I think its funny and deserves to be shared.
A woman is lying in bed reading a book when her husband comes into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. “This is the pig I make love to when you’ve got a headache.” he says. The woman looks up ” I think you’ll find that’s a sheep.” she says. “I think you’ll find I’m talking to the sheep.” the man replies.
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Being blonde this week had to read it several times before I got it. Sorry not one of your funniest hg.
Ha Ha Ha, good one HG
I could kinda see that one coming, but good joke… and you’re right, it’s not sexist… it could work the same with their genders reversed.
Here is a joke about Grandma. Hope you like it.
GRANDMA IN COURT
Lawyers should never ask a grandma a question if
they aren’t prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town
prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand-motherly,
elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve
known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you
never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr.
Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with
anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to
mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both
counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
“If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you to the electric chair.”
Here’s one to repay the favour to the men out there:
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:
“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”
vg youngatheart, go grandma.
One of my favorites………..
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe
> in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a Traffic light.
> Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the
> car and hisses through the windshield.
> “Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Catherine. “What shall we do?” “Turn the
> windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister
> Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he
> clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
> “What shall I do now?” she shouts.
> “Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at The
> Vatican,” says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield
> washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and
> continues hissing at the nuns.
> “Now what?” shouts Sister Catherine.
> “Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen.
> “Now you’re talking,” says Sister Catherine.
> She opens the window and shouts, “Get the f*** off the car!”
Regards the first joke, I bet he was a KIWI!!!!!!!
You have probably already seen these ones, but they are still a good laugh!
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. “Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking Through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter?”
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, “You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we’re on the fire truck ready to go.
“From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3
we are going to make love all night.
” The next night he came home from work and yelled
“BELL 1!” The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled “BELL 2!”, the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled “BELL 3!”, they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled “BELL 4!”
“What the hell is BELL 4?” asked the husband?
“ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,” she replied ”
YOU’RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.”
Apologising doesn’t mean that you can get away with offending someone.
I confess, I do not understand this comment. Should I not apologise? Is meinrosebud offended? Is it OK for meinrosebud to offend me and others without apologising? Sounds a bit hypocritical to me. There are a huge number of subjects that some find innocuous and others find upsetting but one cannot know beforehand with any certainty, hence my opening line. I don’t intend to offend people but I’m not in favour of censorship either. The subject heading is quite clear so if you are or aspire to be PC then dont read it!
at least your apologies in advance non pc post got printed, I tried that with a post and admin still didn’t let it out for public viewing but it’s in my nook if you want to read it and let me know if you’re offended, it’s in regards to a maths exam.